Audition Monologues

These audition monologues will be used by all performers trying out for a role in Hair. No other monologues will be heard.

You do not need to memorize any of the monologues, but you should be familiar with all of them. The monologue that the director asks you to read will depend on what part you are trying out for and what monologue he feels will best represent you in the auditions. He may ask you to select one of the monologues but please be prepared to read any monologue he requests.

Berger

Hello. My name is George Berger, but I don't dig George, so just call me Banana Berger, or Cheese Berger, Unzipper Berger, Pull 'em down Berger, Karma Berger, Pitts Berger, Take 'em off Berger, Up your Berger, Any Berger and I'll answer you. Uh oh, I know, you people think right off, "Oh, look dear, isn't that a cute one? What is is Agnes, a boy or a girl?" What is this god damn thing? Three thousand pounds of Navajo jewelry. Ha! Lady, will you hold my pants for me? Mother!! Hey lady, can you spare a hand out? A nickel, a dime, a quarter? Something for a psychedelic teddy bear like me, me, me! To keep my chromosomes dancing, dancing... up the Methedrine River. I came over via Hoboken... the Erie Lakawana Fairy Boat, and in the middle of the Hudson River, through the industrial haze, I thought I saw Donna, my Donna, standing in the water. But it was only democracy's daughter, the Statue of Liberty, waving at me.

Claude

Hello there... ever thought of how you're living right smack bang in the middle of the Stone Age? Well, this folks, is the Psychedelic Stone Age. Without a doubt, the most exciting time this weary, whirling square globe has seen for generations. And it's YOUR age, you are living it, you are pysching it, you are stoning it. It's the age of electronic dinosaurs and cybernetic Indians, the age where it's more fun than ever to be young. The age where it's more fun than ever to be stoned. (Adopts English accent) You save S&H Green Stamps, and King Korn stamps and bloody Plaid Stamps and box tops and Betty Crocker coupons, and Cut Rite and Kelloggs and soap coupons and Co-op and God-knows-what-else coupons. I've seen you pasting one regular King Korn stamp in each 30 spaces on this page and pasting five Big Ten King Korn stamps here and licking one Super Bonus King Korn stamp for each 50 blocks on this page. You cut out, rip open, paste on and save, and I'm your lover, and I demand my civil rights! (Aside) But I don't know how long me bloody old man's gonna put up with that, do I?

Hud

(Note: Hud is a man of few words and so he doesn't have any paragraph-long monologues in the play. This is pasted together from several of his lines.) Alright, my pretty boys, prepare to bail out... O'Reilly! Palucci! Epstein! Bukowski! Bukowski? I ought to harpoon your ass, Bukowski! I nursed you all through boot camp, taught you how to kill, now go get that gook before he gets you... next stop is Vietnam! Skydive, dickhead! Geronimooooo...

Woof

This is the body and blood of Jesus Christ. And I am going to eat you. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God. (HE crosses himself) In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, Amen. My name is Neil... Woof (HE does a wolf howl to the moon) Donovan. I grow things. See, I have sunflower seeds, and beets, and corn... that's what the Indians are about... and sweet peas, and moonvines... look at the moon, look at the moon, look at the moon. And poppy seeds, and morning glories, Germaine's Heavenly Blue (a form of LSD)... I eat them and trip out... and I'm going to sow the balcony at the end of the first act! I love flowers and the fuzz and the trees and the sun and the moon, and the stage and the lights, and my little brother, and all my fathers, and my big fat cab-driver mother. And I love you. I love you all.

Sheila (also Dionne)

(Note: This is a composite speech from several different parts of the play.)We marched on the Pentagon, the five-sided Dragon, and we levitated it! Then we attacked the F.B.I. building, but they tear-gassed us... We're spreading the groovy revolution. Tomorrow morning, at dawn, we will take our heads down to the U.S. Army induction center for an Exorcism of the Khaki. We're going to yip out all the bad vibrations --- yip, yip, yip, yip --- and we're going to yip up the sun --- yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yippeeee! (Changing gears. This is actually a dialogue with Berger and Claude.) Isn't love beautiful? I live in the East Village with these two magnificent beasts. Claude, the purest mind on Avenue C, and Berger, the grooviest ball on Avenue B. Sheila brought back Berger a beautiful yellow satin shirt. Take that filthy rag off. You dig it, delicious? (Berger starts to poke fun at the shirt.) Berger, stop it! Don't you like it? (Berger jumps up and down on the shirt.) Berger, you're so CRAZY, I adore you! (Berger rips the shirt. Sheila is stunned and almost in tears now.) Berger, why did you do that? Why?

Jeannie (also Crissy)

I wired my parents for money. I told them I was pregnant. They said, stay pregnant. I live with a whole bunch of people on Teeny Bopper Island. I dig this groovy, hip, beautiful living hunk of gold, blond, blue-eyed man, muscle of all muscle, smooth skin animal. Claudio, I'd die for you. I am lost in the unfathomable infinities of your mystical third eye. I wish it was your baby inside my body. I was knocked up by some crazy speed freak. Wouldn't you know? Claude is my acid, Claude is my trip. Methedrine's a bad scene, and Claude loves me!